Dancing With My Fears

When I was younger, I had a long list of all the things I wanted to do and be once I grew up. For some reason, my young mind equated age with accomplishment. Because I was a kid, I could only dream of the adventures I would have some day.

The first thing I remember wanting was to be able to fly. How amazing to soar through the sky, above the fray of normal life! Of course, that dream never came to pass because, well, people don’t have wings and we can’t fly. Although I could have become a pilot and flown with the assistance of my own plane, I realized I was afraid of heights and crashing.

When I got a little older, I wanted to move to Scotland and raise sheep. Never mind that I’d never even seen a live sheep or been to Scotland! It was a dream I had that probably popped into my head while reading books like Wuthering Heights. I remember even checking out books about Scotland from the library so I could research exactly where I’d live. That plan was dashed when I realized I would be lonely and miss my family. Oh, and I didn’t have the slightest idea as to how to raise sheep!

Later, I wanted to become a musical theater actress. I put on shows all the time for my family and their friends. I was always involved in some play or another all through Jr High and High School. I finally came to realize that I don’t have the type of voice that carries without the help of a microphone. Also I was afraid I’d get more rejections than actual roles.

Then came writing. I REALLY wanted to write and tell stories. I dreamed of a blog that I could put into words all the stories that had been growing in my head most of my life. But I was afraid. There are mean people in the world. What if every time I wrote and posted something, someone shredded my words? Being creative and sharing what you’ve created with others, whether through music or painting or writing, is like sharing a piece of yourself. It’s exposing your most private thoughts and gifts to ridicule and being trolled. So I kept my stories to myself.

But God has a way of poking us and reminding us that he gave us gifts and talents to be used, not to be kept tightly wrapped up waiting for that mythical “someday” to come. He doesn’t want us to sit on the sidelines as our fears keep us from joining in. He uses little things to give us a glimpse of what we could accomplish if we just put the fear aside and took that leap of faith into whatever he has planned for us.

It’s interesting to me to look back at those dreams and see how God fulfilled each one, just not in the exact way I expected!

I’ve never learned to fly an airplane, but I do get to fly to visit my kids in Oklahoma and vacation in Hawaii. I even flew regularly to Florida for a few years while working for the Mouse. I’ve come to adore flying…in an airplane…that someone else is piloting!

I never did move to Scotland, but I was able to visit one summer as part of a group called Continental Singers. I saw more of the country than I ever would have if I moved to some lonesome highland cottage – just me and my sheep!

I haven’t made a living as an actress, although some of my friends do. But I have performed in a variety of local theatrical productions. I even made my living, for a VERY short time, as a singer. I’ve been part of a band that covered top 40 songs. I’ve sung with big bands, small combos at parties and weddings. And I still get to sing regularly at church.

I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of writing this blog! When I started peaceloveandgrandbabies.com, I committed that I would post a new story every single week for at least a year. And so far, I’ve been able to meet that commitment!

What changed me from being afraid of trying to taking that step towards fulfilling dreams? It was listening to the small voice that God planted in my head. He used friends and family to magnify the voice telling me I could do it. Every time I took that step of faith and was successful, it gave me the courage to take another step.

It might be that as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that time is short here on earth. We only get one go ‘round and we may miss out on being and doing all that God had planned for us while we were being “knit in our mother’s womb” if we don’t stop running from our fears. Or it could be that I’m finally listening to that voice.

There’s a song written by Ben Rector called “Fear” that really put into words the thoughts I’d been having.

I’ve been scared to death of failing

Scared that I’d look like a fool

And I’d rather quit than risk that I could lose.

Heard the Lord in California

And remembered who I was

When I learned to dance with

The fear that I’d been running from.

Something in me would not turn around and run

Now I dance with the fear I’ve been running from

What are you afraid of? What’s the worse that can happen if you look that fear in the eye, grab its hand and take a twirl or two around the dance floor of life?